I Was Pregnant and All I Got to Show for It are These Big Boobs ~ Part 2

Today’s article is a continuation of yesterday’s touching piece from K.C. Gold. If you missed it, use this link to read Part 1 of this story. K.C.’s desire to share her personal experience with her own recent miscarriage is a selfless effort to prepare and comfort other women faced with this painful experience.

The Pier to Peer Girls hope that this story helps countless women heal, find peace, answer questions, sympathize with others, and bring support. We will be sharing this story with you in two parts where K.C. will reveal some aspects of miscarrying that many doctors don’t explain and the emotional roller coaster of getting pregnant and losing a child. Please share this story with those who you feel may be helped by reading it.

Thank you, K.C. for your honesty and trust. Your bravery and strength is an inspiration.

As I said before, having a miscarriage is a process and not a single incident. I went to my gynecologist’s office, one hour from my home, 7 times in the next 3 weeks to get my HCG levels checked. At first I was told it didn’t look good, that the levels were too low and weren’t doubling every couple days. Then they were and the doctor called it “good news.” Then it was time to accept it was a miscarriage and to make sure it wasn’t ectopic – which is a pregnancy in your fallopian tube and can be very dangerous. Meanwhile, my body is bleeding. Sometimes light pink spots, sometimes red blood as thick as yogurt. Every time I went to the toilet, it was a reminder of what I was losing, of what wasn’t happening anymore.

When it was finally over, it was the day of the Golden Globe awards. My husband works on a show that was nominated for Best Drama and we were going to a fancy Hollywood network viewing party. I welcomed the chance to look and feel pretty and feminine again – the girly, fun part of being feminine. So we got dressed up and I got my makeup done and we had a ball. I drank champagne, after months of not a drop of alcohol, and ate soft cheese, which I’d also avoided for the health of my disappearing baby. It was a much needed respite from the weeks of pain and turmoil and emotional distress.

The best advice I found online was to take care of yourself and let yourself grieve during the miscarriage process and after. One woman suggested spin class because the tears could easily be mistaken for sweat. She also said watching ‘Seinfeld’ helps because it really is funny and you will laugh despite yourself. My almost-pregnancy buddy on FertiltyFriend.com had survived multiple miscarriages and she said to take baths and get a massage. And let yourself cry. And cry I did. Most of the time, all I could do was sit on the couch and wonder what my blood test results would be that day. So, one day, I decided to do something and be creative. I started working on a mosaic table top I designed out of broken pottery pieces. But, the symbolism of putting broken pieces back together was more than my psyche could handle and I collapsed on the floor in sobs. My beloved dog came over and started licking the tears from my face until I laughed.

My dog is my baby right now and, like many pet owners, I find her to be a great teacher and healer. In fact, a few weeks after my miscarriage ended, my husband and I were getting ready to go to a Superbowl party at a friend’s house. I was baking cookies to bring to the party and had the patio door open for some fresh air. My dog, a small Sheltie mix, is very agile and curious. She can easily jump over our solid patio wall if the right smell walks by. I usually keep an eagle’s eye on her but she must’ve escaped when I was taking the cookies out of the oven. I suddenly realized she wasn’t there and ran all over the house calling her name. I came back downstairs and heard my neighbor outside my front door say, “What are you doing out here?” She had jumped over the wall and then waited on the front step for me to let her back in. That was quite a relief.

However, when I went to finish getting ready, I could barely breath. I was almost hyperventilating and I couldn’t shake how upset I would’ve been had we lost our dog. It took until we got to the party and I could have a cocktail to calm down before I felt better. The next day, I asked my father, who is a physician, if he thought I might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Acute Stress Disorder (ASD), since almost losing something precious to me seemed to trigger the symptoms of loss I experienced with the miscarriage. He said PTSD requires 2 months of startle responses, hypervigilence, avoidance of people & things connected with the event and re-experiencing the event in different ways.

Acute stress disorder is similar but happens during the first 2 months following the event. What I described with the dog escaping is like a re-experiencing but sounded more like a mild panic attack. He agreed that I had been through a HUGE trauma and LOSS which can take a lot of time to heal from but doesn’t have to be PTSD.  He warned me that one can also go into depression after a miscarriage and it could cause anxiety around my next attempt at pregnancy. He reiterated to take good care of myself with plenty of sleep, healthy food, fresh air, exercise,  and massages.

After my grieving, which I also processed through writing and talking with friends, I began to focus on eating impeccably again. I wanted to create a pristine environment for my next chance at creating life. The doctors recommend waiting until you have two periods before trying again, so your system can cleanse and rebuild itself. I did a fertility cleanse with herbs and teas and wondered if it would take my body the 4-6 weeks to bleed again, like the doctors say it will. It only took 3. And I was never happier to see the color red.

*If you would like to contact K.C. Gold directly, you may email her at.

 

Comments

  1. Elisa says:

    Your story is an important one and the courage you display to share your experience with others is admirable. We all know someone who has experienced a loss such as yours and your story gave me insight into how I can provide support for my family and friends.